The inner chaos of a web guy's mind.
Posts tagged What
For Golfers
Jan 19th
For Golfers
At dawn the telephone rings.
“Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house.”
“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”
“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died.
“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”
“Si, Senor,that”s the one.”
“Damn! That”s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. “What did he die from?” “From eating rotten meat, Senor” “Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”
“Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”
“Dead horse? What dead horse?”
“The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart.”
“Are you insane? What water cart?”
“The one we used to put out the fire, Senor”
“Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”
“The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”
“What the…..!!! But there”s electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?”
“For the funeral, Senor.”
WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!”
“Your wife”s, Senor…She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver.”
SILENCE……………….
“Ernesto if you broke that driver, you”re in deep shit!”
Useless Facts Part.3
Jan 18th
Useless facts Part.3
• The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
• No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven! (7) times.
• Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
• You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
• Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
• The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
• No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven! (7) times.
• Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
• You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
• • Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
• The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley”s gum.
• The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
• American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.
• Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.(Since Venus is normally associated with women what does this tell you!)
• Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
• Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
• The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first “Marlboro Man.”
• Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
• Pearls melt in vinegar.
• The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
• It is possible to lead a cow upstairs…but not downstairs.
• A duck”s quack doesn”t echo, and no one knows why.
• Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)
• Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word “criminal.” The second ? William Jefferson Clinton (Please don”t tell me you”re SURPRISED!?!!)
• And the best for last….. Turtles can breathe through their butts.(I know some people like that; don”t YOU?)
• The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
• American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.
• Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.(Since Venus is normally associated with women what does this tell you!)
• Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Useless Facts Part.2
Jan 18th
Useless Facts Part 2
• If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.(Hardly seems worth it)
• If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.(Now that”s more like it!)
• The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.(O.M.G.!)
• A pig”s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.(In my next life, I want to be a pig)
• A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.(Creepy.)(I”m still not over the pig.)
• Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.(Don”t try this at home, maybe at work)
• The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male”s head off.(“Honey, I”m home. What the…?!”)
• The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It”s like a human jumping the length of a football field.(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
• The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond ? )
• Some lions mate over 50 times a day.(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)
• Butterflies taste with their feet.(Something I always wanted to know.)
• The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm……)
• Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.(If you”re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
• Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.(okay, so that would be a good thing)
• A cat”s urine glows under a black light.(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
• An ostrich”s eye is bigger than its brain.( I know some people like that.)
• Starfish have no brains (I know some people like that too.)
• Polar bears are left-handed.(If they switch, they”ll live a lot longer)
• Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.(What about that pig??)
9 Things I hate about everyone
Jan 18th
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Damn right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?
4. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5. When people say while watching a film “did you see that?”. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is ‘new and improved!’. Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.
8. When people say “life is short”. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
Kid & His Chemistry Set
Jan 18th
Chemistry Set
A father came home and asked where his son was. His wife replied that he was downstairs playing with his new chemistry set. The father was curious, so he wandered downstairs to see what his son was doing. As he walked down the steps, he heard a banging sound. When he got to the bottom he saw his son pounding a nail into the wall. He said to his son, “What are you doing? I thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?”
His son replied, “This isn’t a nail, Dad, it’s a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became as hard as a rock.”
His dad thought about it for a minute and said, “I’ll tell you what, Son, give me those chemicals and I’ll give you a new Volkswagon.”
His son quite naturally said, “Sure why not.”
The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in. He asked his father where his Volkswagon was. His dad replied, “It’s right there behind the Mercedes. By the way, the Mercedes is from your mother.”
A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage …
Jan 17th
A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a marriage counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their quarrel, but they were adamant.
"So," said the counsellor, "you know the consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your property equally."
The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?"
"Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."
"What about my furniture? I paid for that."
"Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."
There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about our three children?"
That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came up with a Solomonic answer. "Go back and live together until your fourth
child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two."
The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I depended on him, I wouldn't have the three I got."
Protect your Kids…
Jan 16th
EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ ALL OF THIS and HAVE CHILDREN READ IT TOO!
After tossing her books on the sofa, she decided to grab a snack and get on-line. She logged on under her screen name ByAngel213. She checked her Buddy List and saw GoTo123 was on. She sent him an instant message:
ByAngel213:
Hi. I’m glad you are on! I thought someone was following me home today. It was really weird!
GoTo123:
LOL You watch too much TV. Why would someone be following you?
Don’t you live in a safe neighborhood?
Read the rest of this entry »
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, …
Jan 15th
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
What not to say to the nice policeman: …
Jan 15th
What not to say to the nice policeman:
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector was unplugged.
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? …
Jan 15th
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 45 pounds.
What's the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
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