Posts tagged kids

When I was your age – Funny

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I was wondering what I would say to my kids when they complain about what they don’t have and I always envisioned statements like, “When I was your age we didn’t have the internet.”, “IF we had to call our parents we had to find a payphone, we didn’t have cell phones”. Blah Blah Blah we all heard the stories from our parents having to walk 10 miles in 6 feet of snow uphill both ways bare foot to school. It’s going to be hilarious listening to ourselves explain to our kids what we didn’t have at their age.

I received this email today which articulates this better than anything I could say so I am relaying it to you. Hope you have a laugh about it. I DID…

THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning Uphill… barefoot… BOTH ways

Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, There was no way in hell I was going to lay A bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it  and how easy they’ve got it!
But now that… I’m over the ripe old age of Thirty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!  And I hate to say it but you kids today you don’t know how good you’ve got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, We had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3′ s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!   Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ’s usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that’s it!

And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school,
Your mom, your boss, your Bookie, a collections agent, you Just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video Games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games Like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘asteroids’. Your guy was a little square! You Actually had to use your Imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or Screens, it was just one screen…
Forever!

And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and Faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a Little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it Came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the Channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you Hear what I’m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled Little rat-bastards!

And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove … Imagine that!
That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.
You’re spoiled. You guys wouldn’t have lasted
Five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd

How do kids know?

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My kids love Treehouse  the television channel  but like all  children they have  the attention span of  gnats.  For us adults it becomes just background noise to us so we ignore it. However in no time the kids have wandered off and we haven’t them in 10 minutes and for some strange reason we are still watching Treehouse. Realizing that both the kids are playing downstairs with each other we decide to change the channel . No more than 30 seconds after we change the channel the 3 year old wanders  in the room “tweehoose, where is tweehoose” HOW DO THEY KNOW YOU CAN’T EVEN HEAR THE TV DOWNSTAIRS.

This hasn’t happened just once it happens ALL THE TIME

A good drug problem…

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The  other day, someone at a store in our town read that a methamphetamine lab had  been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a  rhetorical question.

“Why didn’t we  have a drug problem when you and I were growing  up?”

I replied, I had a  drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was  drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and  community socials no matter the weather.

I was drug by my  ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was also drug to the woodshed when I  disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak  with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn’t put forth  my best effort in everything that was asked of me.

I was drug to the  kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a  profanity.

I was drug out to  pull weeds in mom’s garden and flowerbeds and cocklebur’s out of dad’s  fields.

I was drug to the  homes of family, friends and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one  to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my  mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she  would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are  still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think.  They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today’s children had  this kind of drug problem,The world would be a better place.

THANK GOODNESS  FOR THE PARENTS WHO DRUGGED US.

Kid & His Chemistry Set

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Chemistry Set
A father came home and asked where his son was. His wife replied that he was downstairs playing with his new chemistry set. The father was curious, so he wandered downstairs to see what his son was doing. As he walked down the steps, he heard a banging sound. When he got to the bottom he saw his son pounding a nail into the wall. He said to his son, “What are you doing? I thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?”

His son replied, “This isn’t a nail, Dad, it’s a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became as hard as a rock.”

His dad thought about it for a minute and said, “I’ll tell you what, Son, give me those chemicals and I’ll give you a new Volkswagon.”

His son quite naturally said, “Sure why not.”

The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in. He asked his father where his Volkswagon was. His dad replied, “It’s right there behind the Mercedes. By the way, the Mercedes is from your mother.”

For Parents

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Dear Kids,

Don’t be alarmed, the world isn’t coming to an end. I am simply taking a bath. It will take about 30 minutes and will involve soap and water. Yes, I know how to swim. Even if I didn’t, forcing myself to drown in a half-inch of lukewarm water is more work than I’ve got energy for. (Which reminds me, I’m all for science projects, but the next time you want to see if Play-Doh floats, use cold water.)

Don’t panic if I’m not out right on time. I’ve heard that people don’t dissolve in water and I’d like to test the theory. While I’m in the tub, I’d like you to remember a few things, the large slab of wood between us is called a door. Do not bang to hear my
voice. I promise that even though you can’t see me, I am on the other side. I’m not digging an escape tunnel and running for the border, no matter what I said a while ago, I didn’t mean it. Honest.

There will be plenty of time later to tell me about your day. Later means at a time when I am no longer naked, wet, and contemplating bubble gum in the blow dryer. I know you have important things to tell me. Please let one of them be that you have invented a new way to blow bubbles, not a new way to add gum to your hair.

Believe it or not, shouting, “TELEPHONE!” through the closed bathroom door will not make the phone stop ringing. Answer it and take a message. Since Amazing Mind-Reading Mom has the day off, you’ll need to write that message down. Use paper and a pencil. Do not use your brother and the laundry marker. We can’t send him to school with telephone-number tattoos.

Water makes me wet, not deaf. I can still tell the difference between the sound of “nothing” and the sound of a child playing the piano with a basketball. I can also hear you tattling at the top of your lungs. I’m choosing not to answer you.

Don’t call your dad at work and tell him I am unconscious in the bathroom. He didn’t appreciate it last time. He won’t appreciate it this time. Trust me.

No matter how much I would like it, water does not make me forgetful. I remember who you are and why you are grounded. No, you can’t go to Shelby’s house to play. No, you can’t go to Shelby’s house to use the bathroom.

If someone is in our other bathroom, you will just have to think dry thoughts and wait. Unless you have four feet and a tail, do not think of going outside to “water” the lawn. I know the dog does it. The neighbors don’t feel the need to call me when the dog does it.

Unless the house catches on fire, stay inside and keep the doors
locked. Do not go outside and throw rocks at the bathroom window to get my attention. I know it works in the movies. This is reality, the place where people don’t like to sit in a tub while rocks and broken glass rain in on them.

Do not set the house on fire. Call me if there is an emergency.

Emergencies are:

1. Dad has fallen off the roof.
2. Your brother and/or sister is bleeding.
3. There’s a red fire truck in front of our house.

Emergencies are not:

1. Dad has fallen asleep.
2. Someone on TV is bleeding.
3. There’s a red pickup truck in front of our house.

One other thing: Being forced to use the last roll of toilet paper for a towel does not make me happy. It makes me sticky with little white polka dots. In the future, when anything in the bathroom overflows, use a mop to clean up the water instead of every towel in the house. For my sanity’s sake, let’s pretend it was the tub, O.K.?
No, I don’t want to hear the real story. Ever.

Especially not while I’m standing in the pool of water you missed.

(P.S. All Play-Doh experiments are canceled.)

Be good. Entertain yourselves. Yes, you can do both at the same time. Try coloring, playing a game, or paying that stack of bills on the coffee table.

I’ll be out soon. Maybe.

Love, Mom

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