My kids love Treehouse  the television channel  but like all  children they have  the attention span of  gnats.  For us adults it becomes just background noise to us so we ignore it. However in no time the kids have wandered off and we haven’t them in 10 minutes and for some strange reason we are still watching Treehouse. Realizing that both the kids are playing downstairs with each other we decide to change the channel . No more than 30 seconds after we change the channel the 3 year old wanders  in the room “tweehoose, where is tweehoose” HOW DO THEY KNOW YOU CAN’T EVEN HEAR THE TV DOWNSTAIRS.

This hasn’t happened just once it happens ALL THE TIME

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The  other day, someone at a store in our town read that a methamphetamine lab had  been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a  rhetorical question.

“Why didn’t we  have a drug problem when you and I were growing  up?”

I replied, I had a  drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was  drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and  community socials no matter the weather.

I was drug by my  ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was also drug to the woodshed when I  disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak  with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn’t put forth  my best effort in everything that was asked of me.

I was drug to the  kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a  profanity.

I was drug out to  pull weeds in mom’s garden and flowerbeds and cocklebur’s out of dad’s  fields.

I was drug to the  homes of family, friends and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one  to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my  mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she  would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are  still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think.  They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today’s children had  this kind of drug problem,The world would be a better place.

THANK GOODNESS  FOR THE PARENTS WHO DRUGGED US.

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Chemistry Set
A father came home and asked where his son was. His wife replied that he was downstairs playing with his new chemistry set. The father was curious, so he wandered downstairs to see what his son was doing. As he walked down the steps, he heard a banging sound. When he got to the bottom he saw his son pounding a nail into the wall. He said to his son, “What are you doing? I thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?”

His son replied, “This isn’t a nail, Dad, it’s a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became as hard as a rock.”

His dad thought about it for a minute and said, “I’ll tell you what, Son, give me those chemicals and I’ll give you a new Volkswagon.”

His son quite naturally said, “Sure why not.”

The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in. He asked his father where his Volkswagon was. His dad replied, “It’s right there behind the Mercedes. By the way, the Mercedes is from your mother.”

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Dear Kids,

Don’t be alarmed, the world isn’t coming to an end. I am simply taking a bath. It will take about 30 minutes and will involve soap and water. Yes, I know how to swim. Even if I didn’t, forcing myself to drown in a half-inch of lukewarm water is more work than I’ve got energy for. (Which reminds me, I’m all for science projects, but the next time you want to see if Play-Doh floats, use cold water.)

Don’t panic if I’m not out right on time. I’ve heard that people don’t dissolve in water and I’d like to test the theory. While I’m in the tub, I’d like you to remember a few things, the large slab of wood between us is called a door. Do not bang to hear my
voice. I promise that even though you can’t see me, I am on the other side. I’m not digging an escape tunnel and running for the border, no matter what I said a while ago, I didn’t mean it. Honest.

There will be plenty of time later to tell me about your day. Later means at a time when I am no longer naked, wet, and contemplating bubble gum in the blow dryer. I know you have important things to tell me. Please let one of them be that you have invented a new way to blow bubbles, not a new way to add gum to your hair.

Believe it or not, shouting, “TELEPHONE!” through the closed bathroom door will not make the phone stop ringing. Answer it and take a message. Since Amazing Mind-Reading Mom has the day off, you’ll need to write that message down. Use paper and a pencil. Do not use your brother and the laundry marker. We can’t send him to school with telephone-number tattoos.

Water makes me wet, not deaf. I can still tell the difference between the sound of “nothing” and the sound of a child playing the piano with a basketball. I can also hear you tattling at the top of your lungs. I’m choosing not to answer you.

Don’t call your dad at work and tell him I am unconscious in the bathroom. He didn’t appreciate it last time. He won’t appreciate it this time. Trust me.

No matter how much I would like it, water does not make me forgetful. I remember who you are and why you are grounded. No, you can’t go to Shelby’s house to play. No, you can’t go to Shelby’s house to use the bathroom.

If someone is in our other bathroom, you will just have to think dry thoughts and wait. Unless you have four feet and a tail, do not think of going outside to “water” the lawn. I know the dog does it. The neighbors don’t feel the need to call me when the dog does it.

Unless the house catches on fire, stay inside and keep the doors
locked. Do not go outside and throw rocks at the bathroom window to get my attention. I know it works in the movies. This is reality, the place where people don’t like to sit in a tub while rocks and broken glass rain in on them.

Do not set the house on fire. Call me if there is an emergency.

Emergencies are:

1. Dad has fallen off the roof.
2. Your brother and/or sister is bleeding.
3. There’s a red fire truck in front of our house.

Emergencies are not:

1. Dad has fallen asleep.
2. Someone on TV is bleeding.
3. There’s a red pickup truck in front of our house.

One other thing: Being forced to use the last roll of toilet paper for a towel does not make me happy. It makes me sticky with little white polka dots. In the future, when anything in the bathroom overflows, use a mop to clean up the water instead of every towel in the house. For my sanity’s sake, let’s pretend it was the tub, O.K.?
No, I don’t want to hear the real story. Ever.

Especially not while I’m standing in the pool of water you missed.

(P.S. All Play-Doh experiments are canceled.)

Be good. Entertain yourselves. Yes, you can do both at the same time. Try coloring, playing a game, or paying that stack of bills on the coffee table.

I’ll be out soon. Maybe.

Love, Mom

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