Rants & Thoughts
Random thoughts and rants during fits of frustration and rage at events and people.
Random thoughts and rants during fits of frustration and rage at events and people.
It today’s internet world we are bombarded with emails, Facebook ads and the like – many of these ads are images of young people standing beside Ferarri’s, Porsche’s and other exotic cars parked in front of Malibu mansions.
The headlines read “Buy my book and I will teach you to make a million dollars on the internet – Just like I did…”
I have consistently blown these off as I thought them to be the same as the smooth talking dude on late night TV with there get rich quick offers available for the next 2 hours CALL NOW!.
Well for the most part I think I have saved myself thousands of dollars not buying any of these products. BUT What if these guys are not full of $%^&*@ what if there is money to be made on the internet?
I had never met anyone that is actually making money with these systems and programs until now. Sitting in my office slaving away at client work and desperately trying to drum up more business for my Web Design company was a constant in my life. Sure I was living the good life – no boss, own the company blah blah blah, the good life also comes with a price – COUNTLESS HOURS OF SLAVE WORK!!! It was starting to feel like a regular old job but without benefits or a guaranteed paycheck.
So there I was and in walks this dressed down guy from down the hall (he has seen my flyer in the building offering my services). To make a long story short I take a look at one of his websites (it was honestly a crappy looking site) – and guess what he was one of those guys.
” Look at me I make lots of money on the Internet telling people how to make lots of money on the Internet”
Needless to say I blew the guy off and continued my work – later that day I was heading out and see the guy in the parking lot getting into his $100K car as I walk to my little Honda Civic parked a few cars away.
I decided to strike up a conversation with him and apologize for basically be a skeptical “Prick” when he showed me what he was doing online. What do you know this guy was one of the nicest guys I have ever met – he explains to me that hes used to that kind of reaction from people when he tells them what he does so he avoids talking about his business with people.
We talked for over a hour about what he does and what I do… Later that week we met again (honestly I just wanted to tell him about a project I was working on hoping he might buy a copy for his business!) well he loved the idea and asked if I wanted to do a Joint Venture to promote it when it was finished.
Out pops my skepticism again I’ve been burned too many times with “Joint Venture” – to date they had all ended up as I work my a$$ off while the other party does jack and keeps asking why there is no money coming in from the project. I asked my self a few simple questions:
- This time had to be different right?
- This guy is legit I’ve seen his business work.
- What do I have to lose business was slow at this time anyway.
- I had already completed most of the product may as well get this guy to market it.
So my team and I finish off this Affiliate Sales Site building tool with feedback from my now Joint Venture partner in the project. It has been 3 months and we are nearing the end of 2009.
I will refrain from going into all the details pertaining to launching a product like this – needless to say it would have made a GREAT reality TV show.
Finally in early December of 2009 the product launches – we’ll see if this guy is really as good as he says he is or just another opportunist.
My take on the project over the next 2 months more more than the entire sales for my company the year before, on top of that the product stays on the market and makes sales every week creating me a passive income. HOLY S___T I could not believe this was happening!!!
That is now history! – I have since fired or transferred all of my clients and are solely focusing on Internet Marketing and product development. I am making more money that I ever thought I would make.
And yes I got myself a fancy car – Not as fancy as my business partners exotic car. Sorry no pictures of me standing beside it telling you how I can teach you to do the same.
Not all of these get rich internet programs are a scam, there are legitimate REAL people out there making money on the internet. Some of them honestly do care about the people that buy their products and help you do what they do.
Keep up to date with my product releases and information about the REAL internet Marketing business fill out the form on the right and get blown away.
The below link is a product I developed that details exactly how I did what I did and just how easy it can be to start an internet business that earns massive profits.
Are you the skeptic like I was or are you ready to take a little risk in your life and reap the rewards! It is totally up to you…
Well it is time for another moview review, I only review a movie when it is really good or really bad. It is with great displeasure and a broken heart, that I bring you the following review of Transformers 2 – Revenge of the Fallen. There are spoilers in the review so if you still plan on seeing it don’t read ahead any further.
Never before have I been as dissapointed in a movie as I was tonight. Anxiously have I awaited the release of this sequel to one of the greatest movies I have ever seen. So much potential for this sequel;
Micheal Bay a director famous for good sequels.
Introduction of more transformers and characters.
A perfect ending to continue from.
Instead this movie is of the same caliber as King Kong by Peter Jackson. I mean this movie was so bad I almost walked out of the theatre half way through. At every turn I was hoping something would happen to save the movie but it never did. At every opportunity to save it Michael Bay screwed it up even more.
Top reasons why Transformers 2 – Revenge of the Fallen sucked – let me count the ways.
- Michael Bay has invented a new race of Transformers the moronicons, these are the endless stream of little “Decepticon” robots that flooded this movie. Their moronic behaviour, babble and the seemingly endless stream of them alone was enough alone to wreck this movie.
- Lets just jump right ahead 2 years without any introductions to the new Autobots that have arrived and are working with the humans in a special task force. Except of course idiot twins which reminded me of a really bad cheech and chong movie.
- Someone forgot that you need to develop new characters when making a movie instead of just having them appear guess chevy owned the movie and wanted to show off the new Corvette.
- A giant chevy commercial, OMG I can totally understand car companies sponsoring a movie but seriously General Motors logos showcased on the screen at every opportunity. What a total waste. Why not allow other car companies to have vehicles in the movie, add some variety to the Autobots. But I Guess GM spent ALL there money making sure that it was only their cars in the film when they should have been worrying about the state of their company. Shame on Michael Bay for letting this happen.
- I am all for comedy in a movie but really this was so over the top rediculous that it hurt to watch.
- The little moronicon humping Megan Foxes leg! – Seriously what idiot thought this would be a good shot for the movie. Sure the audience laughed but come on!
- The giant testicles on the constructicon at this point I was wishing that they would just aim the big rail gun at the theatre and end my torment.
- Jetfire – As the movie introduced the SR71 it looks like there is going to be something that changes the downward spiral it is on. But no! Why would you save the movie instead lets make a decrepid cenile old robot that walks with a cane. Who let all the idiots into the writers group, just because it seems funny in your head doesn’t mean it will help the movies you talentless hacks.
- Super prime – OMG Optimus Prime went to Canadian Tire and bought all the stick on parts he could find and went into battle.
- The human Decepticon with the super tounge, WTF you seriously added a Terminator T-X into the movie. Did someone not tell him that they made Terminator Rise of the Machines already and that you did not need to add one into the transformers.
- All the transformers have breath. Yes they have breath and spit alot, Note to writers: You did not need to make them more human like for the audience to love them WE ALREADY LOVED THEM YOU IDIOTS!
- BumbleBees little emotional breakdown in the garage where he cries. Hmm lets see his character was established in the first movie now he is a brooding & bumbling little whiner instead of the gaurdian that he was supposed to be.
- Action for the sake of action, lets just blow shit up ALOT, forget plot, story and character development. If we just blow stuff up and have lots of big robot battles people wont realize that movie sucks.
- We have all seen Pearl Harbour and don’t need to watch scenes from it in transformers. The bodies floating down after the aircraft carrier sinks jesus man why would you need to add that scene into the movie it does nothing for the movie other than give you a 14A rating.
That is the major reasons that this movie sucked balls. Such a fitting term considering all the references to balls and sacks in the movie. I wish there was something good I could say about the movie but it is so tarnished by crap that there was nothing that could save it. No matter how good the special effects were or how much stock military footage you through into it, CRAP is still CRAP.
1/10 is all that I can rate this movie. I have never been dissapointed to badly by a sequel as I was by this. I am fed up of over hyped directors thinking they can do whatever they want with a movie franchise and wrecking it. Not that I am an advocate for piracy but if you want people to goto the theatres and buy the DVD’s instead of pirating movies make something that is worth the price of admission and waiting in long lines to see. Judging by IMDB it looks like Michael Bay has been listed as Director for Transformers 3. I certainly hope you fix the mess of this franchise that you made with Revenge of the Fallen.
Well that is all I have to say about this, I think I will go watch Transformers (the first one) and find a way to get over this horrible night.
- Where is your cellphone? On The Counter downstairs
- Where is your significant other? Beside Me
- Your hair color? Dark Brown.
- Your family? Spit into two group Welcome and Not welcome.
- Who you miss the most? My old cat Tally.
- Your favorite thing? Boobs.
- Your dream last night? I took a sedative last no dreams just good sleep.
- Your dream/goal? Domination of the internet world The ultimate .dot com Mogul.
- The room you’re in? Right now my bedroom
- Your hobby? Computers, Gaming, Golfing, Radio Control Models, Cars, Graphic Design.
- Your fear? Regection, Ridicule, Failure
- Where do you want to be in six years? Hawaii.
- Where were you last night? Doing accounting in bed.
- What you’re not? Tolerant of stupid, Fat, Completely Sane and people that lack common sense.
- One of your wish list items? . Lexus IS F
- Where you grew up? England, Winnipeg, Ontario
- The last thing you did? Accounting.
- What are you wearing? Silk Boxers.
- Your TV? 42″ Samsung Plasma, 37″ Sharp LCD, 120″ Projector screen.
- Your pet? YokiPoo Milo well hes really my wifes dog but I’m Kinda attached.
- Your computer? I have too many. QuadcoreExtreme2.66ghz 8GB DDDR2 8800GTX 74GB Raptor Drive, Fujitsu6025 Laptop, Alienware M17 Laptop, Assorted others.
- Your mood? Driven, Focused
- Missing someone? Not at the moment.
- Your car? 2000 Honda Civic EX B16A JDM, 2.25 Stainless Exhasut VAFC2 Lowered 17″ Rims and more…
- Something you’re not wearing? Socks, Shirt, Pants
- Favorite store? Edge Computers, Ebay
- Your summer? Usually busy.
- Love someone? yes My wife and kids.
- Your favorite color? Black, White, Yellow, Blue, Green.
- The last time you laughed? This morning.
- The last time you cried? Can’t remember.
- I am quite possibly addicted to Computers and Toys & Boobs.
- I shudder when I fall sleep. Scares the S**T out of my wife I litterally shutter like a massive hickup just as I fall into REM sleep. So I am told
- When I was a sales manager at a retail store I used to sit in the back with the other managers and make fun of the stupid people that would complain the most about things their fault.
- I enjoy watching Discovery HD a channel dedicated to Geeks.
- I knew I was in love with boobs the first time I saw one (I know I know it is what it is)
- I cannot stop thinking about work and the future.
- I hate stupid and ignorant people they drive me up the wall especially when I have to deal with them.
- The closest thing to porn that I own is the DVD of “Original Sin”.
- When I am bored and alone sometimes I Google myself.
- I drink close to 3L of water each day. I am always thirsty, but test negative for diabetes.
In the spirit of my dislike of Apple and everything they stand for, I have decided to compile a list of Apple’s greatest blunders of 2008.
Even though apple enthusiasts want to believe Apple can do no harm, it is not always the case. I know, all the mac users out there are screaming, BLASPHEMY! Apple did mange to make it on Fortune’s 21 Dumbest Moments in Business this year. While a tiny bit embarrassing, it’s nothing that Apple hasn’t been able to brush off and continue to provide us with ipods and iphones in our pockets. Oh iPhone, how magically we love thee.
The first dumb moment is the “I Am Rich” app. This little glowing red gem of joy cost costumers $1000. It scammed about 8 people out of their cash. Unfortunately, we here at Mac|Life pooled our money together and got the app for our mascot Salty. He hasn’t been the same since. Apple quickly pulled the app without the masses getting a chance to experience buyers remorse.
Apple’s next epic FAIL had to do with the untimely passing of CEO and Apple World Leader, Steve Jobs… Oh that’s right, he didn’t. There was the faux obituary posted on Bloomberg’s website, and then some snot-nosed kid decided to publish a story about Steve having a heart attack on CNN’s iReport. And like the media we have grown to love and respect, they didn’t check any sources before posting it. That’s right, CNN went hog wild with this and posted it without confirming the information.
Here are some other blunders Apple made is 2008.
iPhone 3G launch
Apple’s blunders revolve around the launch of Apple’s iPhone 3G. Though it has been wildly successful, surpassing even Apple’s own ambitious sales goals for 2008, the launch in July had serious issues, namely problems with iPhone activation. Since that iPhone 3G is subsidized by most carriers, a contract is required at the time of purchase. This eliminated the straightforward online activation process used with the original iPhone, leading to extremely long lines for weeks after the July 11 launch. To make matters worse, the servers responsible for activations went down early on July 11, and took a couple days to be resolved.
In addition to activation woes at launch, Apple’s MobileMe service, the revamped .Mac service which works intimately with the iPhone, suffered service outages, slow access, and syncing problems. Though not everyone was affected (I count myself as one of the lucky ones), Apple eventually offered users as much as 120 days of free access to make up for all the problems. Recent updates have made the service finally stable for most, if not all, users. Still, it was a big letdown for many hoping to rely on the over-the-air data-syncing for their iPhones.
Another iPhone-related blunder was Apple’s initial refusal to lift the non-disclosure agreement attached to the iPhone SDK. This refusal led to difficulty in getting assistance with iPhone programming issues, problems with iPhone-related developer conferences, and the inability to publish books on iPhone programming. Developers made a loud noise (including a certain obscene battle cry), which eventually led to Apple relenting and lifting the NDA. Developers rejoiced, but it still made Apple look pretty bad.
I can’t wait to see how Apple makes it onto next year’s list, but they won’t, because Apple does no wrong. Right?
You know how everyone has ‘A GUY’ that knows a guy that can get something done, or has the answer to a question?
Well I have come to a realization in my life that I AM THAT GUY! When I was a kid my parents used to call me a know it all because I had an answer for everything and was able to solve most problems. I always looked at everything and wanted to figure out how to make it better than it was. Through my years I have never really owned anything that I left stock. Always tweaking, modifying or editing things to make them better and function the way I wanted them to.
As I got older and began working different jobs I was always able to look at process and procedure and figure out a more effecient way of doing things. I was never shy about giving myt opinion or answering a question for people. Most of the time I was just ignored when I gave my opinion on a topic or a situation. If not ignored many people just said things like “What do you know?”, “It is what it is!”, “Your too young, in a few years you will see that this is the best way.”
A few years have past and I have said the words “I told you so…” far too often for my liking, so for a while I stopped giving my input and helping people. The funny think is though that my phone keeps ringing with people asking me if I know how to do something or if I can help them with something. I am that guy that people call when they need an answer to something or to ask if I have a connection. I have come to welcome the fact that in my years I have learned a lot about many things. I am not a specialist in anything but a “jack of many trades” as some would call it.
Being in the computer industry I have people constantly calling me or asking for assistance in specific areas or to figure out how to do something. There are so many people that I meet in my business that initially don’t beleive the amount of knowledge I have and the ability I have to design/redesign procedures to make them more efficient.
Other than tooting my own horn of course I have decided that to help unload this knowledge and share it with people I will start using this blog as a place for anyone to ask me a question about anything and I will offer up my opinion or solution to a problem. If you have a question or a problem that you need a solution for then feel free to leave a comment on this post and I will try to offer up my solution. Take my feedback, use my advice or just ignore me it really does not matter but the offer is there!
Just me trying to give back a little to the world…
A rant I wish I didn’t have to make. Some people in society never cease to amaze and disgust me.
The expression no good dead goes unpunished has never meant more than it does today. The fact that we have degenerated to such a low in our society today that anyone doing something from the goodness of their heart comes under attack by barely human individuals that have nothing better to do than to try and discredit the actions of another.
Recently a tragedy hit my company (Mk2 Business Solutions) where my lead programmer/best friend’s sister was in a tragic car accident and is in ICU. I am not going to go over any details here as this is not the forum for the topic. I decided to use my companies hosting server and resources to create a website for my best friend to help the rest of the out of town family to keep up to date with his sister’s progress. The site also takes donations to help her in her recovery process. Everything was built and setup in a transparent nature and we even contacted a local newspaper which ran a story on her status and the launch of the site to help create awareness for her situation.
I thought nothing of doing this to help my best friend and his family during this terrible time. My heart goes out to him and his family and I wanted to do something to help them through this crisis. It is impossible to sit idly by as someone so close to you is going through so much pain.
Within 1 week of the newspaper article people that are of no blood relation at all to my best friends sister are PUBLICLY questioning the intentions of the site and where the proceeds are going. Upon hearing this news my heart hit the floor. I could not believe that people believe that someone cannot do a good deed without having to try and slander them publicly and question their intentions.
I know who these people are and as much as I want to return the favor you have done for me I refrain. See I wanted to do something to help a friend in need and you have tried to discredit me and my company. That is disgusting and low, lower than low. You have no morals and are barely human. It is people like you that have caused the death of the “Nice Guy”. No one wants to do anything out of the goodness of their heart anymore because people like you cause them pain and anguish for their actions.
The good that comes from this is that THIS nice guy is not dead, you cannot shut down the site and as far as the credibility of the site goes. BRING IT ON! There is nothing sinister or treacherous here, well aside from you that is. This site in question is jennymaguire.com and yes WE know exactly who the slandering parties are!
From one nice guy to those that try to stomp nice guys down. You haven’t crushed our will and we will continue to do good things even though disgusting creatures like yourselves try to discredit us.
What goes around comes around and I warn you KARMA is a bitch…
I don’t know about you but this smear campaign that Apple is continuing with, attacking Vista over and over again is getting on my nerves. Steve Jobs needs to accept the fact that PC has beaten the MAC over and over again. Windows is more versatile and accepted than Mac ever will be. You have to defense other than to smear Microsoft’s new OS. Yes Vista was laden with bugs and problems when it was first released and it caused a lot of people grief. Microsoft has since release SP1 and a host of other fixes that have made this OS a great addition to the windows family.
At my multimedia company I am using Vista64bit vista on the main workstation and Vista Home Premium on 2 laptops, Vista ultimate is installed on the tablet. There are two other computers that are running Windows XP and to be honest I nor others in the company even work on them. Vista has become almost everything that is was promised to be. There are features that have made my life at the office easier and more efficient.
As far as the mac goes I find it interesting that Apple cannot produce anything that is worthy of advertising so they have fallen back to trying to convince the world they are better than Microsoft. Seriously people get over yourselves you are beaten.
When people ask me what I do and I tell them I own a multimedia company, the most common question is “you must use a mac?”. While trying to refrain from falling on the floor laughing I explain to them that maybe in the past Mac was the platform of choice for media developers but our company is exclusively PC based. There are applications that I use that won’t run on a Mac. I need heavy GPU power for 3D applications and gaming neither of which are an Apple strength. When it comes to the brute processing power required for some of my applications there is nothing better than my Quadcore Extreme 2.66ghz Cores, 8GB of RAM, 8800GTX w/768MB DDR RAM. A $3000 machine capable of handling whatever I can through at it including playing the latest games.
Hm let me check can I get an Apple with those capabilities for $3000. Hell no that would cost tens of thousands to get that power in an apple machine. Even with the processing power the Mac would still not be able to handle playing modern games and many of the applications I use would still not run on it. So to everyone who thinks that Mac is so great and nothing compares to a mac for graphics, you are welcome to your opinion no matter how skewed it may be. At the end of the day all you Mac people can grab your I-Pods and shoe horn yourselves into your smart cars eating a tofu sandwich while the rest of us are going to have a LAN party laughing at your pretty little paper weights sitting on the desk that can’t join in the fun.
OK so I was a little harsh with the last paragraph but I am seriously fed up with seeing these ads on TV. Apple should get out of the computer game and stick to I-Pods and I-Phones it seems that its the only thing they do well. Leave the computer industry to the people that really deliver what we want and not what you tell us we want. PC is the force that drives the computer industry, lead by Microsoft Windows face the fact that Apple can’t compete.
That’s my 2 cents…
P.S. Those who live is glass houses should not through stones. As far a great release blunders does anyone remember the Mac Mini ? I didn’t see a huge smear campaign from Microsoft or the PC manufacturers when you morons thought that the Mini was a good idea. And what about the I-Lamp I mean I-Mac well what ever that stupid LCD on a desk lamp concept was. The PC companies just laughed and continued to build kick A$$ boxes.
I love to post interesting emails that I receive, when I agree with the message in them. This construction worker makes such a profound statement in this message that I felt it needed to be spread around a little more. I completely agree with everything he states in this message, being from the west coast we have so many able bodied bums on the street that refuse work when it is offered them.
If they choose this lifestyle for them selves then why are we the hardworking tax paying citizens expected to support them. To make things worse I can’t even walk downtown without getting accosted by them asking for more money. Many of them have apartments and receive a welfare check on top of the large sums of money they collect by panhandling.
With all the by-laws popping up here and there why is it that the precious government won’t pass a pan handling law making it illegal to sit on the side of the road and beg for money. The worst part of it is people keep feeling sorry for these people and keep giving them money. One summer a local farmer strapped for workers rented a bus and drove downtown asking all the unemployed street folk if they wanted jobs making over minimum wage to help on the farm for the summer. The farmer came back with NOT A SINGLE WORKER. All of the “BUMS” (not politically correct but OH WELL THAT’S WHAT THEY ARE) refused the work and continued on their pan handling ways. Now come on people are we really that duped by the street people that we are to believe they all are “IN NEED”, “DOWN ON THEIR LUCK”.
I was once down on my luck and stuck on the street. 2 months and 2 Welfare checks to get on my feet and pounding the pavement till I got a job and blammo I was back in the game again. Working supporting myself and moving forward in life. If these people really wanted to be off the street then they would be. There is plenty of work, especially here on the west coast. To those that say they are too proud to work at McDonalds or Tim Hortons I say BULLS___T you are not too proud to beg for money on the side of the road, you are just too lazy to get a job.
That’s my Rant for today, I’m heading on vacation for 2 weeks but I will post again as soon as I return.
THIS GUY MAKES A GOOD POINT
This was written by a construction worker in Fort MacMurray- he sure makes a lot of sense to me!
I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to earn that pay cheque, I work on a rig site for a FortMac construction project. I am required to pass a random urine test, with which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don’t have to pass a urine test. Shouldn’t one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare cheque because I have to pass one to earn it for them? Please understand — I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do on the other hand have a problem with helping someone sit on their butt drinking beer and smoking dope.Test positive for dope or booze, no welfare cheque! Could you imagine how much money the provinces would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance cheque? Please pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you don’t. Hope you will pass it along though, because something has to change in this country, and soon !!!
The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand f illed up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous “yes.”
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
“Now,” said the professor as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things—your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else—the small stuff. “If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
“Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first—the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled and said, “I’m glad you asked.”
The coffee just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.”
Received this in my email from a family member still in Britain I thought this was hilarious and so true in areas. I had to post it, I am sure Canadians and British will love it. For all the Americans please don’t take offense to it after all it is just a joke…
(there are some statements in here that lends me to believe that the original author was originally from Britain but now resides in Canada.(the reference to metric) none the less enjoy)
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy) .
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.
- Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
- The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’, ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the
suffix ‘-ise’. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabular y’).
- Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize.
- July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
- You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
- Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler . A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
- All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
- The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
- You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
- The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
- Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
- You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed t o play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don’t try Rugby – the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
- Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
- You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
- An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
- Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God save the Queen.