The inner chaos of a web guy's mind.
Humour & Jokes
I have collected all the jokes sent to me from email and posted them here. Each time I get an email Joke I will post it here.
Smart Ass Answers of 2005
01958 days
by MPC
in Humour & Jokes
Top 5 Smart Ass Answers of 2005
Smart Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat….she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.”
Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” T
he stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”
Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Smart Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, “Low Bridge Ahead.”
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”
The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
AND NOW FOR THE #1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005 . . . .
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class is reduced to laughter.
The teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
Smart ass pilots
01959 days
by MPC
in Humour & Jokes
Smartass Pilots
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics any problem they had with the airplane during the flight. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then explain in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken. The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by Qantas pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineer.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Inteligence Test Part2
01959 days
by MPC
in Humour & Jokes
Inteligence Test Part 2
Rules are the same as the first intelligence test answer the question quickly and move on to the the answer. Good Luck, this test can frustrate even the smartest of people.
What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: Bread If you said “Toast” then give up now and go and find yourself a shoe box as as you can’t handle life… If you said “Bread” then please progress on to question 2
(Q2)Say “SILK” 5 times, Now spell “SILK”. . . What do Cows drink?
Answer: “Water” If you said “MILK” may I suggest that you do not try the next question, as it may seen that you brain cell is overtaxed, you need a holiday….May I suggest children’s world? If you said “WATER” then you may go onto question 3
(Q3) If a red house is made from red bricks, a blue house is made from blue bricks, a pink house is made from pink bricks, a black house is made out of black bricks…..what is a Greenhouse made of?
Answer:”GLASS” If you said “Green Bricks” then what are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said “Glass” then please progress onto question 4
(Q4)20 Years ago a plane is flying at 20,000 FT, over the old country Germany when 2 of the engines fail, the pilot realizing that the last remaining engine was failing. He proceeds to prepare for a crash landing, but unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of “No Man’s Land” the land between East Germany and West Germany in the middle of the Berlin wall. Where would you bury the survivors, East Germany or West Germany or in “No Man’s Land”?
Answer: “You don’t bury ‘survivors’ if you said anything other than the sentence above then please never fly, you may cause more damage than the plane crash!!! If you said the sentence above then carry onto question 5
Q5) If on a clock the hour hand movied 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hand travel in 1 hour.
Answer: “1 DEGREE” If you said “360 Degrees”, or anything other than the answer, may I congratulate you on getting this far but be honest with yourself, do you think you can handle the last and final question? If you said “1 Degree” then please go on the the last question.
Q6) Without using a calculator you are driving a bus from Londono to Milford Haven (Wales) in London 17 people get on the bus, In Reading 6 people get off, 9 people get on, in Swindon 2 people get off, 4 people get on, in cardiff 11 people get off, 16 people get on, In swansea 3 people get off 5 people get on, In carmarthen, 6 people get off,3 people get then te bus pulls into Milford Haven bus depot…..
What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: “Your Name.” Read the first Line.
Inteligence Test
01959 days
by MPC
in Humour & Jokes
Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can’t take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let’s find out just how clever you really are.Ready? GO!!!
(scroll down)
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up in the next question. To answer the second question, don’t take as much time as you took for the first question!
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are…?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person? You’re not very good at this! Are you?
Third Question: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total?
Scroll down for answer.
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100. Don’t believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?
Fourth Question: Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Answer: Nunu?
NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary Read the question again
Okay, now the bonus round: There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one’s teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.
Why . . . ?
01959 days
by MPC
in Humour & Jokes
Why just ask Why?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” Well, it isn’t all right so why don’t we say, “That hurt, you dumbass”?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
If at first you don’t succeed, shouldn’t you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? And obviously if at first you don’t succeed, then don’t take up sky diving!
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they’re okay, then it’s you.
Joys of B.C. Living
01959 days
by MPC
in Humour & Jokes
The joys of living in BC….
A woman from Vancouver Island , who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, “What took you so long?”
He smiled and than told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.
Vancouver (Reuters)
Day 2 – Vancouver Blizzard 2006 – Revenge of the Commuters
Chilled Vancouver commuters faced their second day of winter hell today, as an additional ¼ centimetre of the peculiar white stuff fell, bringing the lower mainland to its knees and causing millions of dollars worth of damage to the marijuana crops. Scientists suspect that the substance is some form of frozen water particles and experts from Saskatchewan are being flown in.
With temperatures dipping to the almost but not quite near zero mark, Vancouverites were warned to double insulate their lattes before venturing out.
Vancouver police recommended that people stay inside except for emergencies, such as running out of espresso or biscotti to see them through Vancouver’s most terrible storm to date. The local Canadian Tire reported that they had completely sold out of fur-lined sandals.
Drivers were cautioned to put their convertible tops up, and several have been shocked to learn that their SUV’s actually have four wheel drive, although most have no idea how to use it.
Weary commuters faced soggy sushi, and the threat of frozen breast implants.
Although Dr. John Blatherwick, of the Coastal Health Authority reassured everyone that most breast implants were perfectly safe to 25 below, down-filled bras are flying off the shelves at Mountain Equipment Co-op.
“The government has to do something,” snarled an angry Trevor Warburton. “I didn’t pay $540,000 for my one bedroom condo so I could sit around and be treated like someone from Toronto.”
Top 80 things to do at animation studio
11960 days
Top 80 Things to Do While Working at a CG Company…
Compiled by Unknown
1. Complain about what a fool your producer is.
2. Complain about how stupid your client is.
3. Toss around made-up words like “variance” and “multi bias” to confuse your producer and client; laugh about it behind their back.
4. Challenge coworkers to “Wrestle for Rendering Time”.
5. Complain about ILM.
6. Send your reel to ILM.
7. Complain about how little money you make.
8. Insist that “TD” stands for “Top Dog”.
9. Stop by company owner’s office every morning, announce “Employee 17 reporting for duty!”
10. Wait.
11. Start renders on other people’s machines
12. Play your favorite AIFF file of Herve Villachez on other people’s machines.
13. Shake your head, repeat “Sounds like carpal tunnel to me”.
14. Hack your neighbor’s .CSHRC, deny it was you when you’re accused of it.
15. Change your least favorite person’s login icon to a picture of Don Knotts
16. Constantly insist that CD stands for Carnal Desire.
17. Insist that you worked on T2.
18. Taunt your mouse.
19. Call 7-Eleven, insist they deliver.
20. Slowly ramp down a co-workers gamma to black over the course of the day.
21. Insist that your business card be printed with job title “Digital Stud”
22. Write top 50 lists.
23. Learn every line from every Monty Python movie, prove your knowledge.
24. Throw fruit.
25. Mail nasty letters to the boss from through someone elses e-mail account.
26. Carry around a suction cup gun so you go around shooting all the monitor screens.
27. Go to someone elses office, lean their phone receiver’s ear piece against the screen until the colors are permanently shifted.
28. On the night before delivery, change the paths for the texture directories on someone elses’ project.
29. Play Network Doom.
30. Wait.
31. Repeatedly peer over cubicle wall, shriek “Peek-a-Boo!!!”
32. When boss brings around visitors to your area, hide under desk and make kitten noises.
33. Shout “Eureka!!” every time you press the Enter key.
34. Refuse to enter your machine in the render que for religious reasons.
35. Bring candied apples to yearly review.
36. Leave tunafish sandwich in desk drawer, sniff suspiciously at anyone that stops by your desk.
37. Secretly replace office coffee brand with Folger’s Crystals.
38. “Sacrifice” doughnut to “Voltar, 5 Headed god of Vertex Shading”.
39. Leer at office receptionist, propose private session of “motion capture”.
40. When watching TV or movies with co-workers, claim to have done an internship at that company. Drop names.
41. Claim to have written your own programming language, but it was stolen by “that damn Bill Gates”.
42. Do Tai Chi while standing on top of desk.
43. Scooch around office rug to build up static electricity, then demand $5 or you’ll zap the Reality Engine.
44. Wear flowing black cape, only work at night
45. Flip eyelids inside out, run down the hallway screaming “THE GAMMA RAYS!!! AAAAAAAAA!!!”
46. When ever someone asks you “How’d you do that?”, answer them, “I learned this demonology from Doug Henning, master illusionist!”
47. Be a devoted fan of “Babylon 5″.
48. Wait.
49. Drink Jolt and eat Skittles all day, act like “Cornholio”.
50. Before critique, replace animation reel with episode of “Baywatch”, see if they notice.
51. Blare porno soundtrack music from your stereo, claim it’s “inspiring”.
52. Create super heros with the qualities of your profession called, “Mouse Ass and Gamma Head”.
53. Tell everyone you were in Toy Story, “I played the cowboy”.
54. Program someone else’s machine to say “I love you” in the low baritone voice of Barry White every time he clicks on the mouse.
55. Go around the office and “mark your territory”.
56. Wear scuba suit and carry frisbee around office, claim to be “TRON”, here to save the users.
57. Roll up your pants and roll down your socks. Say you’re just pretending, then walk in circles repeatedly.
58. While in the bathroom, start singing that spider song. When you get to “climbs up the water spout”, yell “Ooooowwwwwww! I think she just laid her eggs!”
59. When you know someone is standing behind you or looking at you, start picking your nose and sing “Some of these things are not like the other…” Then suddenly turn their way and show them that it’s the truth.
60. Squirt Krazy Glue on coworkers mouse, watch the zanyness that ensues.
61. Watch “Showgirls” in the editing room, argue that it’s for reference.
62. Every day at lunch, stand atop your desk and slowly ungilate as you play “air guitar” to the sounds of Enya and the sound track to Jurassic Park.
63. Have toilet paper dispenser installed in your office. Tell people “It’s in case of System Failure”
64. Use your office as a garage to store your Gardening Equipment.
65. Wait.
66. Rent Advertisment space on the front of your desk to Kraft. Your desk would read, “…It’s the Cheesiest!”
67. Tell your producer that if he wants you to work faster, you must be spanked.
68. Throw a dart at a world map and wherever the dart lands, send e-mail to that country all day trying to make “net” friends.
69. Have a blatantly re-touched photo on your desk of you and Steven Spielberg baking cookies together.
70. Remove all your clothing, claim that you must be as one with your SGI.
71. Hide video recording of project night before due date, force producers to solve a series of fiendish puzzles to find it.
72. Make co-workers mouse ultra sensitive so the arrow on the screen moves at supersonic speeds and is too fast to be visible to the human eye.
73. Wait.
74. Use 3d digitizer to encode your butt. Try to sneak this model into all company projects.
75. Dress like Oliver Twist, ask boss for more coal.
76. Sit in bathroom stall and bellow “CORE DUMP!!!”
77. Giggle whenever anybody says “Unix”
78. Sneak in to someones empty office, smear honey on the telephone’s receiver, go back to your office and when the other person returns to his office, call him and try to speak to him about a serious topic like the environment or ask him if he’s seen your jar of honey.
79. Dream about that ever-elusive 79th thing to do.
80. One word: Lambada!
Signs you work at an animation company
51960 days
Signs You Work at a Computer Animation Company…
Compiled by Unknown
1. Frappaccino soon leads the way to “Frappimation”
2. You frantically click on your window trying to make it “pop” in front of a post-it pad you stuck on your screen the night before.
3. There are more toys in the offices than at a toy factory.
4. Dan Rather presents a lengthy report on the CG industry simply to have the opportunity to label you as “Techno-Nerds” (at night he giggles with his imaginary friend, Tootles).
5. You get a cut on your finger and you begin bleeding coffee from your gaping wound.
6. You begin to believe that pigs can talk, (No, I mean REALLY talk). None of this CG crap!
7. In your cubicle, you have an audience of fellow employees emitting “OOoooo”‘s and “Aaaahhhhh”‘s when your “fireworks” screen saver starts up.
8. The pets about the building get “paged” through the paging system. “Fido, to the back door.. . Fido, to the back door, please.. . and stay!”
9. Your CD player becomes your best friend. “*sniff.. you never let me down!”
10. Your only window to the outside world is, Discovery.com.
11. Mommy and Daddy stop laughing at you because you’re making “cartoons” when you tell them how much more you’re making than they are.
12. You get teary eyed whenever you see your first commercial on TV.
13. You’ve uttered the phrase “Man, TRON would look so cool if they made it today!”
14. You realize that you don’t see movies for the plot anymore, just to see the cool effects.
15. You sneer at people that don’t know what SIGGRAPH stands for.
16. You actually think that classic cel-animated cartoons would look so much neater as 3D characters.
17. You wake up every morning at 4:53 screaming with nightmares of intersecting polygons.
18. You can hold meaningful, insightful, and intelligent conversations via e-mail, but stutter and gibber like a baboon when faced with an attractive member of the opposite sex.
19. You begin to put less and less emphasis on your physical appearance, and more and more emphasis on your understanding of particle systems.
20. You actually believe that high pay and fancy benefits are an even trade-off for your social life.
21. You have a nice car, a kick-ass home theater system, and a great apartment. Unfortunately, you never have time to enjoy them.
22. You pet your desk lamp and call it “Luxo Jr. ”
23. Programmers and animators form seperate tribes, each fearing and distrusting the other. Formal meetings must be organized to communicate effectively, during which only the person holding the conch may speak.
24. You giggle hysterically every time you watch “Jurassic Park”, and that girl says “This is a Unix system! I know Unix!”, and proceeds to play with the `Buttonfly’ demo.
25. When you get drunk, you get philisophical about Star Wars and Star Trek.
26. You find yourself writing a “You know you’re working at a CG company when.. . ” list.
27. Your most important expressions of individualism are your . login icon and . signature file.
28. No matter how many times you explain to your parents what you do, they still tell people that you “make cartoons”.
29. You’ve become comfortable with the fact that your skin has become more pale then the soft squishy skin under an old Band-Aid.
30. Everyone is walking around with more wrist straps and bandages than a Tennis pro.
31. You have so many “ergonomic” supports that your body never comes in contact with your desk or floor around it.
32. You spend more time and effort decorating your office cubicle than you do your apartment.
33. Your tiny computer costs more than your car.
34. Spanking isn’t exciting anymore.
35. Your teeth become plyably soft from all the soda you drink.
36. Your client pays most for effects that are seen least.
37. You’ll eat anything as long as they deliver.
38. You never hear the pages because you have your headphones on.
39. You netsearch a supermodel’s name, then proceed to fantasize about how maybe you would meet, and how she would realize what a sensitive and attractive person you are, and you’d date, and she’d come into the office and make all the rest of the guys jealous, but then you’d get in a fight about how you work late all the time, and she would walk out on you, and you’d be heartbroken and crying, and.. no.. . never mind.. .. it’s too painful to talk about.. ..
40. You would seriously consider quitting if the boss cut off your Netscape privileges.
41. You actually say “I don’t have time to date somebody right now. I have a deadline to meet!”
42. Your favorite coffee cup has some Unix or SGI logo on it.
43. You criticize “Reboot” because they don’t render the shadows.
4. You own a Nerf weapon of some sort and keep it next to your desk.
45. You find you’re the only one left in the theater watching ALL the final credits.
46. Most of your wardrobe consists of t-shirts from various animation studios.
47. You have more recruiters calling you than most college football players.
48. Programmers walk around with necklaces made of the ears of those who find bugs in the system.
49. You speak to no one unless they submit their message via e-mail.
50. When you name your pet something stupid like “GIF” or “WEB”
51. You point at the movie/TV screen and blurt out, “We did that”.
52. Your CD collection triples in size every year.
53. Your importance is measured by the number of people that you are on a first name basis with that work in the industry. “Hey, George (Lucas). How’s the the ol’ R2-unit!”
54. Half the people in your company eat nothing but alphalfa sprouts and raw bran.
55. Bottled water is a staple of daily life.
56. When you ask for an office with a window, they laugh at you.
57. When you get your office with a window in it, it’s Windows `95.
58. Family, what family?
59. Your office attire consists of ripped jeans, a Simpsons t-shirt, and a pair of sandles.
60. You’ve got a stack of 5 or more little tin boxes of Altoids somewhere near your desk.
61. The weekly massage lady awaits you.. .. .. .. .. Ahhhhhhhhh.. .. .
62. You actually feel a twinge of guilt if you don’t go to work during the weekend.
63. Every day around 4:30, you have the urge to throw off all your clothes and run willy-nilly through the hallways screaming “LOOK OUT! I’M MANIMAL!! PART MAN, PART ANIMAL!! GROWL GROWL!!!” oh, wait, maybe that’s just me.. .
64. Every time your computer crashes, you perform a voodoo ritual to purge the bad joo-joo involving a Twinkie, 14 thumbtacks, some flat Fresca, and a lock of Nipsey Russel’s hair.
65. You make fun of the new guy who is still using JOT instead of VI, and call him imaginative names like “Jotboy”
66. You’ve got to plan your vacation at least a year in advance so it doesn’t conflict with a deadline.
67. Every time you switch companies, your salary goes up more than your parents’ yearly income.
68. You’d rather have your head stapled to the rug than wear a business suit to work.
69. Frappuccino has taken over your life and has you driving to the Coffee shop every twenty minutes to get your fix of that amazing, cold, smooth, tempting, tasty.. .. OOooo.. .. must fight urge.. .. . can’t lift arms.. .. .. . must get .. .. . Frap.. pucc.. .. AAAAAAAHHHHHHhhhhhhh.. .. .. ..
70. You find yourself touching buttons, punching keys, toggling mice, and looking at monitors LIKE you care.
71. You consider the sunset on your Mailbox to be “scenery”.
72. You spend more time customizing your window icons than talking to other members of the human race.
73. You’ve got more soundbites in your home space than Herbie Hancock.
74. You feel no shame in saying “I’ve spent the past 3 weeks tweaking the fur shaders on the bunny’s tail. ”
75. It’s not at all uncommon for you to go grocery shopping at 11:30 pm, and you only buy stuff like “Hot Pockets” or frozen burritos.
76. You truly believe that the ad would look so much better if only those idiot clients would just shut up and let you do the job.
77. Most of your communication with old friends is forwarded joke e-mail.
78. You’ve actually signed and forwarded that “Save Sesame Street” petition.
79. You’ve got a 30 second sound clip of the Simpsons or Beavis & Butthead that plays every time e-mail arrives.
80. Your only hopes for dating are:
1) If somebody really great HAPPENS to start working at the company. This rarely succeeds, because you both know how many hours you have to work all the time.
2) Somebody really great works in/near the same building as you. This rarely succeeds, because they’ll soon learn what a complete workaholic you are.
3) You’re hit by a bus, forget everything about your former life, fall in love, and live happily ever after in the countryside, raising emus for fun and profit. This rarely happens, because people usually die after being hit by buses.
81. Your computer’s name becomes more and more complicated as the years go by: “Yep, I’m working on a new Indigo 2 Extreme Sudden Impact Raptor Talon with Cheese. ”
82. Cups, pens, co-workers have permanently adhered to your desk from all the soda you’ve spilt on it.
83. You enjoy the free breakfast and lunch every.. .. .. . oh, wait.. . that’s just Dreamworks. Darn!
84. People call you by your login-in name, a name that you haven’t used since you were two.
85. Your company’s name has something like “Dream” or “Quest” or something silly nilly in it having to do with dreaming or sleeping or some other biological function.
86. All the Art Directors have Mad Cow Disease.. .. well at least you wish they did.
For Parents
01961 days
by MPC
in Humour & Jokes
Dear Kids,
Don’t be alarmed, the world isn’t coming to an end. I am simply taking a bath. It will take about 30 minutes and will involve soap and water. Yes, I know how to swim. Even if I didn’t, forcing myself to drown in a half-inch of lukewarm water is more work than I’ve got energy for. (Which reminds me, I’m all for science projects, but the next time you want to see if Play-Doh floats, use cold water.)
Don’t panic if I’m not out right on time. I’ve heard that people don’t dissolve in water and I’d like to test the theory. While I’m in the tub, I’d like you to remember a few things, the large slab of wood between us is called a door. Do not bang to hear my
voice. I promise that even though you can’t see me, I am on the other side. I’m not digging an escape tunnel and running for the border, no matter what I said a while ago, I didn’t mean it. Honest.
There will be plenty of time later to tell me about your day. Later means at a time when I am no longer naked, wet, and contemplating bubble gum in the blow dryer. I know you have important things to tell me. Please let one of them be that you have invented a new way to blow bubbles, not a new way to add gum to your hair.
Believe it or not, shouting, “TELEPHONE!” through the closed bathroom door will not make the phone stop ringing. Answer it and take a message. Since Amazing Mind-Reading Mom has the day off, you’ll need to write that message down. Use paper and a pencil. Do not use your brother and the laundry marker. We can’t send him to school with telephone-number tattoos.
Water makes me wet, not deaf. I can still tell the difference between the sound of “nothing” and the sound of a child playing the piano with a basketball. I can also hear you tattling at the top of your lungs. I’m choosing not to answer you.
Don’t call your dad at work and tell him I am unconscious in the bathroom. He didn’t appreciate it last time. He won’t appreciate it this time. Trust me.
No matter how much I would like it, water does not make me forgetful. I remember who you are and why you are grounded. No, you can’t go to Shelby’s house to play. No, you can’t go to Shelby’s house to use the bathroom.
If someone is in our other bathroom, you will just have to think dry thoughts and wait. Unless you have four feet and a tail, do not think of going outside to “water” the lawn. I know the dog does it. The neighbors don’t feel the need to call me when the dog does it.
Unless the house catches on fire, stay inside and keep the doors
locked. Do not go outside and throw rocks at the bathroom window to get my attention. I know it works in the movies. This is reality, the place where people don’t like to sit in a tub while rocks and broken glass rain in on them.
Do not set the house on fire. Call me if there is an emergency.
Emergencies are:
1. Dad has fallen off the roof.
2. Your brother and/or sister is bleeding.
3. There’s a red fire truck in front of our house.
Emergencies are not:
1. Dad has fallen asleep.
2. Someone on TV is bleeding.
3. There’s a red pickup truck in front of our house.
One other thing: Being forced to use the last roll of toilet paper for a towel does not make me happy. It makes me sticky with little white polka dots. In the future, when anything in the bathroom overflows, use a mop to clean up the water instead of every towel in the house. For my sanity’s sake, let’s pretend it was the tub, O.K.?
No, I don’t want to hear the real story. Ever.
Especially not while I’m standing in the pool of water you missed.
(P.S. All Play-Doh experiments are canceled.)
Be good. Entertain yourselves. Yes, you can do both at the same time. Try coloring, playing a game, or paying that stack of bills on the coffee table.
I’ll be out soon. Maybe.
Love, Mom
