The inner chaos of a web guy's mind.
Posts by MPC
Why . . . ?
01960 days
by MPC
in Humour & Jokes
Why just ask Why?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” Well, it isn’t all right so why don’t we say, “That hurt, you dumbass”?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
If at first you don’t succeed, shouldn’t you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? And obviously if at first you don’t succeed, then don’t take up sky diving!
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they’re okay, then it’s you.
Joys of B.C. Living
01960 days
by MPC
in Humour & Jokes
The joys of living in BC….
A woman from Vancouver Island , who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, “What took you so long?”
He smiled and than told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.
Vancouver (Reuters)
Day 2 – Vancouver Blizzard 2006 – Revenge of the Commuters
Chilled Vancouver commuters faced their second day of winter hell today, as an additional ¼ centimetre of the peculiar white stuff fell, bringing the lower mainland to its knees and causing millions of dollars worth of damage to the marijuana crops. Scientists suspect that the substance is some form of frozen water particles and experts from Saskatchewan are being flown in.
With temperatures dipping to the almost but not quite near zero mark, Vancouverites were warned to double insulate their lattes before venturing out.
Vancouver police recommended that people stay inside except for emergencies, such as running out of espresso or biscotti to see them through Vancouver’s most terrible storm to date. The local Canadian Tire reported that they had completely sold out of fur-lined sandals.
Drivers were cautioned to put their convertible tops up, and several have been shocked to learn that their SUV’s actually have four wheel drive, although most have no idea how to use it.
Weary commuters faced soggy sushi, and the threat of frozen breast implants.
Although Dr. John Blatherwick, of the Coastal Health Authority reassured everyone that most breast implants were perfectly safe to 25 below, down-filled bras are flying off the shelves at Mountain Equipment Co-op.
“The government has to do something,” snarled an angry Trevor Warburton. “I didn’t pay $540,000 for my one bedroom condo so I could sit around and be treated like someone from Toronto.”
Top 80 things to do at animation studio
11961 days
Top 80 Things to Do While Working at a CG Company…
Compiled by Unknown
1. Complain about what a fool your producer is.
2. Complain about how stupid your client is.
3. Toss around made-up words like “variance” and “multi bias” to confuse your producer and client; laugh about it behind their back.
4. Challenge coworkers to “Wrestle for Rendering Time”.
5. Complain about ILM.
6. Send your reel to ILM.
7. Complain about how little money you make.
8. Insist that “TD” stands for “Top Dog”.
9. Stop by company owner’s office every morning, announce “Employee 17 reporting for duty!”
10. Wait.
11. Start renders on other people’s machines
12. Play your favorite AIFF file of Herve Villachez on other people’s machines.
13. Shake your head, repeat “Sounds like carpal tunnel to me”.
14. Hack your neighbor’s .CSHRC, deny it was you when you’re accused of it.
15. Change your least favorite person’s login icon to a picture of Don Knotts
16. Constantly insist that CD stands for Carnal Desire.
17. Insist that you worked on T2.
18. Taunt your mouse.
19. Call 7-Eleven, insist they deliver.
20. Slowly ramp down a co-workers gamma to black over the course of the day.
21. Insist that your business card be printed with job title “Digital Stud”
22. Write top 50 lists.
23. Learn every line from every Monty Python movie, prove your knowledge.
24. Throw fruit.
25. Mail nasty letters to the boss from through someone elses e-mail account.
26. Carry around a suction cup gun so you go around shooting all the monitor screens.
27. Go to someone elses office, lean their phone receiver’s ear piece against the screen until the colors are permanently shifted.
28. On the night before delivery, change the paths for the texture directories on someone elses’ project.
29. Play Network Doom.
30. Wait.
31. Repeatedly peer over cubicle wall, shriek “Peek-a-Boo!!!”
32. When boss brings around visitors to your area, hide under desk and make kitten noises.
33. Shout “Eureka!!” every time you press the Enter key.
34. Refuse to enter your machine in the render que for religious reasons.
35. Bring candied apples to yearly review.
36. Leave tunafish sandwich in desk drawer, sniff suspiciously at anyone that stops by your desk.
37. Secretly replace office coffee brand with Folger’s Crystals.
38. “Sacrifice” doughnut to “Voltar, 5 Headed god of Vertex Shading”.
39. Leer at office receptionist, propose private session of “motion capture”.
40. When watching TV or movies with co-workers, claim to have done an internship at that company. Drop names.
41. Claim to have written your own programming language, but it was stolen by “that damn Bill Gates”.
42. Do Tai Chi while standing on top of desk.
43. Scooch around office rug to build up static electricity, then demand $5 or you’ll zap the Reality Engine.
44. Wear flowing black cape, only work at night
45. Flip eyelids inside out, run down the hallway screaming “THE GAMMA RAYS!!! AAAAAAAAA!!!”
46. When ever someone asks you “How’d you do that?”, answer them, “I learned this demonology from Doug Henning, master illusionist!”
47. Be a devoted fan of “Babylon 5″.
48. Wait.
49. Drink Jolt and eat Skittles all day, act like “Cornholio”.
50. Before critique, replace animation reel with episode of “Baywatch”, see if they notice.
51. Blare porno soundtrack music from your stereo, claim it’s “inspiring”.
52. Create super heros with the qualities of your profession called, “Mouse Ass and Gamma Head”.
53. Tell everyone you were in Toy Story, “I played the cowboy”.
54. Program someone else’s machine to say “I love you” in the low baritone voice of Barry White every time he clicks on the mouse.
55. Go around the office and “mark your territory”.
56. Wear scuba suit and carry frisbee around office, claim to be “TRON”, here to save the users.
57. Roll up your pants and roll down your socks. Say you’re just pretending, then walk in circles repeatedly.
58. While in the bathroom, start singing that spider song. When you get to “climbs up the water spout”, yell “Ooooowwwwwww! I think she just laid her eggs!”
59. When you know someone is standing behind you or looking at you, start picking your nose and sing “Some of these things are not like the other…” Then suddenly turn their way and show them that it’s the truth.
60. Squirt Krazy Glue on coworkers mouse, watch the zanyness that ensues.
61. Watch “Showgirls” in the editing room, argue that it’s for reference.
62. Every day at lunch, stand atop your desk and slowly ungilate as you play “air guitar” to the sounds of Enya and the sound track to Jurassic Park.
63. Have toilet paper dispenser installed in your office. Tell people “It’s in case of System Failure”
64. Use your office as a garage to store your Gardening Equipment.
65. Wait.
66. Rent Advertisment space on the front of your desk to Kraft. Your desk would read, “…It’s the Cheesiest!”
67. Tell your producer that if he wants you to work faster, you must be spanked.
68. Throw a dart at a world map and wherever the dart lands, send e-mail to that country all day trying to make “net” friends.
69. Have a blatantly re-touched photo on your desk of you and Steven Spielberg baking cookies together.
70. Remove all your clothing, claim that you must be as one with your SGI.
71. Hide video recording of project night before due date, force producers to solve a series of fiendish puzzles to find it.
72. Make co-workers mouse ultra sensitive so the arrow on the screen moves at supersonic speeds and is too fast to be visible to the human eye.
73. Wait.
74. Use 3d digitizer to encode your butt. Try to sneak this model into all company projects.
75. Dress like Oliver Twist, ask boss for more coal.
76. Sit in bathroom stall and bellow “CORE DUMP!!!”
77. Giggle whenever anybody says “Unix”
78. Sneak in to someones empty office, smear honey on the telephone’s receiver, go back to your office and when the other person returns to his office, call him and try to speak to him about a serious topic like the environment or ask him if he’s seen your jar of honey.
79. Dream about that ever-elusive 79th thing to do.
80. One word: Lambada!
